| Parents are out of town!!! Lool |
[Aug. 31st, 2008|01:26 am] |
Blah. I just felt like I needed to update a little.
Things suck but i'm dealing you know. What's the worst thing that can happen ever???
I got lice!!!!! How fucked up is that!!!!?!!?!? I've never had it before and i don't know how I got it either. My niece had it a month ago and she stayed the night the other night and slept in bed with me. But still she had it forever ago.
It sucks!! I love my hair!!! I just have awesome hair and so much of it. My hair is so dark too so it's difficult to see anything in it. I am pretty sure I got rid of it all now though. It took two treatments though. Gay!! Blah.
I am going to the beach tomorrow with Eric and Kira. My parents are already out there. So that should be fun.
I need to get out of this funk. I'm working on it though. |
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| stuck in a state of blah |
[Aug. 3rd, 2008|12:50 pm] |
So I have been on the job search and it sucks. I think I screwed up an interview yesterday. But the guy was really weird and didn't even pay attention to what I said. Fuck him then.
Haven't been up to much. Last weekend I babysat Kira and Mel and Bucky's son Gavin. Then when Eric and Shay came home I hung out with Shay drinking wine and smoking until really late. Shay is so much fun. Then I think it was Sunday Jason and I went over to Greg and Shelby's. They are loaded!! It was fun, everyone got thrown into the pool but me! Ha ha! And we took shots of tequila that Greg got from Mexico. And Jason got a mohawk within the first 10 minutes he was there. Lol.
It's weird cuz I really only hangout with older people around here. Like in their late 20's early 30's. Some times it can be different than hanging out with people my own age. I don't mind though because they are all fun.
Then the 19th I am going to be in downtown O-town for a concert at Back Booth. We are getting a hotel room so we don't have to drive back messed up. So that should be fun.
So Justin from Blue October did the Breaking Dawn concert the other day and he played some new songs from the album, which isn't coming out until March next year!! I don't know if I can wait that long!!! Gay! It's really good and it makes me even more excited about the new album!!
Here it is:
My Never!!!!!!!
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| blah |
[Jun. 17th, 2008|10:25 pm] |
You know those time when it feels like someone just hit you in the face with a shovel... a couple times? Yeah.... whatever. I'll deal I suppose.
I'll be okay. Just wish I would have stayed in orlando. But it's okay.
Went over to Jimmy's for a couple of days. Had a great time. I don't think we should have been allowed in that wal-mart though. lol Watched some weeds and drank energy drinks... and I can't believe we finished off a big bottle of yager in a matter of of hours. Oh good times... I miss them. We talked a lot and it was nice to just hangout with just jimmy ya know.
Karl is so big!!! Awww I miss him.
Man I put my size 2 gauges in last week and I forgot that I tend to lose the rubber bands on the metal ones. I hate that, but I have some extras. Before I had the plastic 4s that were flared at the end and were bigger than a 2. I didn't have to stretch them out too much. But now that I have these in I just want 0s. Lol. I didn't think I would but the twos just seemed a lot bigger when I only has the 6s in. I never originally wanted 2s either. I was going to stay at 6s but I went to fours and now here I am. They just seem small. Lool. I don't know if I can stretch to a zero though. It will hurt and most likely bleed. But I want some metal ones where you can see through the ear. I like those. I need to find my camera and take pics.
I'm just rambling now. |
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| As we lie beneath the stars we realize how small we are |
[Jun. 8th, 2008|02:33 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  proud | ] |
| [ | music |
| | whatever is on jenny's play account.... i can't make an entry without music | ] |
So today I had one of those moments where everything is just fine. Not that things haven't been. Cuz they have been good. But it wasn't a high moment where I can feel the endorphins all hit my head at once. (does anyone know what I'm talking about there?) Sometimes it is when I am messed up or just being bi-polar. I do enjoy it when it happens because it feels good, but I know it's fake.
And today I was sober (which I am most of the time these days, btw) and not bi-polarish.... I was just me. I haven't felt that way in a long time. There was no longing for anything... I was just okay with everything. I felt normal. Like I was me again. It wasn't bliss or anything; it was just content for life and everything.
Wow. To be where I'm at now from where I was a year ago. * It brings happy tears to my eyes. I'm here and it feels good. Once I can get this out of me... then I can begin to make things better for myself again. Like school in the fall.
I'm going to make it better. I have a second chance. Life's not over... and won't be for a while. So I have to make the best of it. Ya know?
*And do you want to know the funny part about all of this??? I didn't read that post from a year ago until after I wrote this entry. That makes it even better. |
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| Somebody said all the whole world is staged and each of us is a player... |
[May. 29th, 2008|02:42 pm] |
God!! I hate that I can't find a job. I've never had this much trouble before. Orlando has a plethora of jobs all the time. Here no one is hiring and it doesn't help that the fucking economy sucks right now. Uh!!! It's not that I'm not being taken care of. But that's just it... I'm not used to that. I have been on my own for so long and now that I am here things are so different. I am used to just having to deal with my self and no one else really. Especially for the last year. I've been all by myself in everything from financial stuff to emotional stuff and now I find myself depending on other people for the things I need.
I hate it. I'm so independent ya know. Here if one person needs something we have to help them out. My dad is using my car right now cuz his brakes are messed up and before that Jason had been using it a lot cuz he doesn't have a car. I'm always having to keep the house clean and doing stuff for others. Which I don't mind (they are my family), it's just I am so used to just having my own place with my own everything and privacy. I'm rarely home alone, which is something that I had gotten used to and enjoyed. That and everyone here fights about everything. I wake up every morning to someone screaming about something. Lame.
I haven't really needed a support system for a while either. If I was depressed I would just tell Jimmy what was going one and he would help and I was better. It was easy. I'm not saying that I need one again... it's just that I've been holding it all in and I feel like I'm about to explode. I guess one thing that has helped to get me through my depression was just not getting others involved as much as before. I have just handled it on my own for the past half a year or so. And I was never like that before... I was quite the opposite. Blaming friends, getting angry cuz they couldn't help me, divulging every emotion, thought, and weakness to everyone. But now I just hold it in. Which isn't really healthy but works.
But when it happens in the next couple of days I will be ready for it. I will bring myself up and I will be fine again.
------------------------------------------------
So I really like this song. I love the way Justin sings it. It was originally on the Last Wish album First of February, which was a band that Justin was in prior to Blue. This is the Blue October version though. I can't find any Last Wish stuff.
(Is it sad that I honestly forgot how to do an LJ cut?)
( Still Broken ) |
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| cuz i have nothing better to do |
[May. 23rd, 2008|05:44 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | rum and coke | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | blue october - still broken | ] |
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
Mahatma Gandhi (1869 - 1948)
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
Dudley Moore (1935 - 2002)
Remember! Things in life will not always run smoothly. Sometimes we will be rising toward the heights - then all will seem to reverse itself and start downward. The great fact to remember is that the trend of civilization itself is forever upward, that a line drawn through the middle of the peaks and the valleys of the centuries always has an upward trend.
Endicott Peabody (1857 - 1944)
To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.
J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, 1997
Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
Fran Lebowitz (1950 - ), Social Studies (1981) |
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| resin days |
[May. 22nd, 2008|06:13 pm] |
I had all this stuff I wanted to write but I can't really remember what it was. So therefore it wasn't important. So I got a letter from UCF today. Last time I check (which was like a month or so ago) I owed them like over $900 and now I only owe them like $80!! How exciting is that. I called and everything and they said there was a mistake or something. Well I'm glad I didn't make any payments on it like I was going to in February when I had a shit load of money. So that means.... that I can go to HCC in the Fall!!! Yay! I'm excited now. I was stressing so much about that.
Still looking for a job. I'm going out when ever someone gives me gas money and applying online.
I have been very well despite everything. I've been pulling myself out of anything bad and just thinking ahead and focusing on whats important right now.
I haven't cleaned my pipe since I bought it a couple months ago and there is so much resin. Shay taught me this new way to smoke resin too. You take some knives and place them between the coils on the stove and heat them up. Then take the resin out of your bowl and place it on one of the heated knives. Then you take the other one and place it on top then you inhale the smoke. Usually with a straw or whatever you can roll up. Which is easy to find around this house. Lol. It get's you really high!!
Jimmy came over Sunday and we went over to Bucky's and drank over there with Eric and Shay. Then we went back to Eric and Shay's place and got messed up and played cards all night long. It was a lot of fun. And one of the reasons I wanted to move back here was so that I could spend more time with them. I love Shay!! She is so awesome. She cut my bangs for me too. And they are getting a house soon and if they end up getting an extra room they are going to let me stay there and pay rent. That would be so awesome cuz I would get to see Kira all the time. She is so cute!! |
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| Music |
[Apr. 29th, 2008|07:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | coldplay | ] |
Music makes everything good no matter how bad the situation is. It's how I get through it all.
Gosh there are so many new albums either out or coming out soon!! Weezer, Coldplay.... and best of all Blue October's "Approaching Normal"!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited. They played a show in Texas the other day and they played one of their new songs "Say it." It's fucking amazing!!! Omg! I love it.
Here are the lyrics that I found from whatever the guy was able to get and here is the video:
It's all about speech
It's all about dreams
It's all about makin' the best out of everything
You'll know when it's time
'Cause ya talk like a mime
You'll fall on your face
Get back up
And/Man you're doin' fine
And I don't wanna sound
Like I can't help your dreams
But I don't want it to always seem to be about me
And I don't have the time
And I swore on this seam
Yeah you'll fuck you with my mind
I don't want to hear you
Say say say say say say say it
I don't want to hear you
Say say say say say say say it
I don't want to hear you
Say say say say say say say
How you'll fuck you with my pride
You think you're smarter than me
And everyone knows
You'll never be smarter than me
That's how it goes
I gained fuckin' forty pounds because of you
Is there an "S" on my chest?
Yeah I confess
You were too much stress
I have a heart attack at best
So I breathe it out
I breathe it out
And I spit it to the crowd
Bring me up
Bring me up
Bring me up when I'm comin' down
Bleed it out
Bleed it out
And I spit it to the ground
It's my mind
And I don't wanna hear you
Say say say say say say say it
I don't wanna hear you
Say say say say say say say it
I don't wanna hear you
Say say say say say say say
How you'll fuck you with my pride/mind (?)
You think you're smarter than me
And everyone knows
You'll never be smarter than me
That's how it goes
I gained fuckin' forty pounds because of you
Is there an "S" on my chest?
Well I confess there was too much stress
I have a heart attack at best
So I bring it out
I bring it out
And I spit it on the floor
Pick me up
Pick me up
Lift me up when I'm comin' down
Bleed it out
Bleed it out
And spit it on the ground
It's my mind
I don't wanna hear you
Say say say say say say say
I don't wanna hear you
Say say say say say say say it
I don't wanna hear you
Say say say say say say say
How you'll fuck you with my aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh
You're not smarter than me
And everyone knows
You'll never be smarter than me
That's how it goes
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| Why don't we get wasted |
[Apr. 17th, 2008|02:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | dub c | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tegan and sara - the first | ] |
You know I was thinking about how I was a year ago. It's almost been a year since I went to the hospital. That's crazy. Time has gone by so fucking fast. I have changed so much since last year. In a good way. I have things under control now. I'm happy in a since that I don't get depressed really anymore. I was reading some old posts and WOW!! Those feelings still haunt me, scare me. It was horrible going from day to day not being able to control my emotions. I put people through so much. I wanted people to just solve my problems for me but deep down I knew that I was the only one who could change my life.
The hospital put me on the right track. I took the meds for a couple of months then knew that I was good without them. I hated them so much though. They made me think differently about things. Sometimes it was good other times it was worse than before. Suicide seemed easier and cutting was comforting. But I suppose the thing that made me realize the impact of everything was losing my friends. Don't get me wrong I don't regret it at all. In fact in a way it's what saved my life. I had to do it on my own. I realized that I couldn't kill myself anymore and that I was going to have to live. I used to be in love with life and I wanted to feel that way again. So I just lived. And anytime I got depressed I just looked at why I was sad and fought it off. Eventually it became easier and easier. I got myself back on my feet with money and I made some really fucking awesome friends at ET.
[Side Note:
I didn't even realize how many friends I had there until it came down to me moving. We went to cigarz on my last day of work. I didn't expect so many people to come out. Like half the attraction showed up, including all of my leads!!! I had so much fun!! People bought me drinks and smoked me out!]
I do have my moments though. I had one the other night but I brought myself out of it and I was fine. You know. I know that I will always have this imbalance but I know how to control it now. And I am happy. Like my situation sucks right now (no job and living with parents) but this will pass and things will get better. I just have to keep my head up. I knew that when I moved that I might have a difficult time here and was scared that my depression might surface again but I consider it to be a test. And right now I have a B+ on that test. :-)
It just feels so good to be normal and happy. And if you knew me when I was depressed you know what an accomplishment that this is for me. I never thought that I could ever get to this point. Fuck I didn't think I would make it another year. I'm stronger and just a better person because of it all. |
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| blah |
[Feb. 12th, 2008|01:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
Fuck man I can't stand being sick anymore. I have been sick for like three weeks now. Gay. I've missed work because of it too. Blah.
I am blah today. I have things I should and could be doing but I don't feel like doing anything at all. I have been so sleepy lately but all I have done is sleep as of late. I am sick of sleeping and eating and working and getting messed up. I am just bored with things really. It's an annoying feeling.
Jimmy went home today which sucks because he is the only person I feel like hanging out with right now. I am supposed to go hangout with a friend from work but she is lame and I will just be bored. She thinks we are like best friends or something but were not in any way. In fact I can't stand being friends with her. I can deal with being co-workers with her but that's it.
I'm scared and sad about moving. I just don't know what to expect when I move and jimmy isn't around anymore. It's going to suck. The only people I'll have are friends from work and that's not enough for me. I don't know maybe I'll move back home and get a new job or something. We will see. |
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| random happenings |
[Jan. 20th, 2008|08:40 pm] |
Man I haven't made an entry in like forever. Let's see. I ended up going to universal twice last week. Crazy. Once with friends from work and the other with jimmy pretty fucked up. I'm so sick of universal though. But I did have fun both times.
I got sucked into volunteering for this thing in like two weeks but i wasn't told that it was at 6:30am. Gay. Whatever I haven't done anything like that in a while and I like volunteering. I found out that my friend Jenn at work actually worked at MKW all the summers before the year I did. I was like that is crazy!! It was fun talking about camp though cuz she knew some of the same people that I did and whatnot.
What else... my aid came in. Yay for not being poor. My phone is turned back on and I have rent paid up for the rest of my lease. Oh and I'm not moving back home either. I'm moving to Pine hills with a friend from work and her boyfriend. It's only like $400 a month for rent and utilities. Fuck yeah.
I bought a new pipe but I haven't gotten to really break it in yet. And it doesn't look like I will be getting to tonight. But that's okay I'm tired as hell anyways. Work sucked ass today.
I haven't been so depressed lately just maybe blue once in a while. So that is good. I'm pretty much over that guy at work too. He's too uptight for me. EWWW on uptight people.
Get this some lady today at work stole some little girls barney baloon. Can you believe that shit??? Who does that. |
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| blah |
[Dec. 30th, 2007|10:57 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | living room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
so x-mas was good. Had fun being home I suppose. Still can't decide if I am staying or moving back. Blah. I have been putting it off for a really long time now. But it is something I really should be thinking about. Whatever.
I almost got a safety at work the other day. Crazy. I was at OCC and I thought the inside dispatch person said don't dispatch but he really said no pictures. But I didnt know that. So my first reaction was to station stop. But I station stopped the outside instead of the inside and a bike was about to go over the hill causing an automatic Estop. Then they couldn't reset the damn thing so we had to evac. And yeah. I think the worst part about it are the stories the next day about what happened. I heard all sorts of bull shit. My favorites were: That I said no pictures to guest and then accidentally hit the estop. And that I went crazy and hit all the estops in the building. wtf??????????? Whatever. So I was known to the red shirts as the girl who broke the ride. Lool.
But they didn't even say anything to me so that was cool. I think it is this week that we don't open until like 11AM. Not the park but ET itself. So that is kind of cool. No more having to wake up super early. I am so done with 7:30am shifts. Blah.
What else.......? I have been depressed the past couple of days. I kind of know why but at the same time I don't. I haven't cried at all. I've just been down. I have this urge to get fucked up all the time as of late. I don't like that. Because I don't have the means. It's like when you don't have a cigarette and you really need one. Like it actually hurts to know that I can't get fucked up. I'll live but ya know. Like today I really need to go to work trashed. So I'll find a way. |
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| bloated goat |
[Dec. 24th, 2007|05:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bloated goat | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | drunk people | ] |
So I'm up at the goat. A bit tipsy. Not gonna lie. Trying to score some drugs. But failing. Oh well. I haven't gotten trashed in a while. Being home feels good. Went out with my mom today. I got like three different messages asking if I could hangout while here from friends. Crazy! I feel bad but I want to spend time with my family. So I need to plan to come up here once my pto gets big and take some vaction from work. That way I can hangout with friends.
Jason is going through withdrawals from the roxys and I'm not helping. I feel bad. But I don't know. I want to get fucked up. He'll be okay. You can't go cold turkey. It just doesn't work. I know. An addiction stays with you your whole life. It just does.
Seasonal people from work are here!!!!!!!!! Sheena worked yesterday. I think we are all going out on friday. And said boy is coming. Gosh I really like him. I haven't had a bad crush like this in a while. And usually I'm shy and not bold about things like that but I'm sick of being like that. So I sorta asked him out the other day but he was busy or whatever. It would never work in the end just because. But I can't help the way I feel. I just wish I knew what he was feeling. Cuz I get mixed feelings from him. Usually I just assume and know that a person doesn't like me back but this is different. I could have a chance. We are not each others types though. I can't stop thinking about him.
Megan has moved out!!!!!!!1 Yay!! I've been getting down a little bit lately but I just bring myself up. So that is good.
I'm getting a gift card for x-mas and some pjs I think. I'm going to go get my 4 gauges and a hair cut. Then spent the rest on gas and food. I want to be sensible about it. I've been doing good with my money. It also helps when I get $400 paychecks for a week!! Fuck yeah. Best pay check I have ever gotten from Universal.
I have a decision to make. I think right now I am leaning towards staying in Orlando. I like it there and things are going really well. I never thought I could get to this happy point in my life but here am.
Side note: Man my typing skills are fucking awesome. It's all those names that I type in at work. I have to work new year's eve and there are so mnay parties that I have been invited to. But I suppose I'll bring in the new year at ET. Lool. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2007|09:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
So I am just done. No more. I won't let myself fall anymore. I've done it my whole life. One disappointment after another. What's the point. I'll just block it out, make it go away. It's the only way to insure that I don't get hurt. Ya know.
Whatever. |
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| yeah i'm exhausted |
[Dec. 19th, 2007|11:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | black chair | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | seether | ] |
So today was my first day off in like 12 days. And what did I do?? Went to the park. And I was there like all day. The Disaster! preview was tonight, finally! ( it's the ride that is replacing Earthquake meaning EQ2 cuz the ride part is the same). It was pretty good, i liked it.
So I suppose all I have to say is: :-)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He he! |
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| blah |
[Dec. 17th, 2007|09:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | living room | ] |
| [ | music |
| | jimmy playing xbox | ] |
So Blah. They didn't give me off that Sunday. In fact I am working until 8:30 and I have the 24 and 25 off but the day after x-mas I have to be there at 7:30am. i guess we open at 8am. WTF!!! I am pissed. So I am going to see how many points I have so I can call out that day. I'll put the shift on the board but no one is going to want to take that. So yeah.
I finally have a day off after tomorrow. And I only work macy's tomorrow. So that isn't bad. Except it was freezing today. And it is supposed to even colder tomorrow. Yay.
I'm sort of down today. I am not sure why though. I don't get it because I have been so happy lately. Like really naturally happy. It has felt so good. But today I am a little down. I guess just bored with this routine. I hope it goes away by tomorrow.
So I discovered that this person I kind of like is actually really religious and I just had no idea that they were. It shouldn't change my view of them but it kind of has. I know that's shallow or whatever but I don't know. I'm just not religious at all and don't ever plan on being so. Sigh. We are just so not alike. Whatever. |
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| 2 days |
[Dec. 12th, 2007|07:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | living room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tv | ] |
So they gave me next Wednesday off so I am only working 12 days in a row. That isn't so bad. Tomorrow is my 7th day and I am holding up fine. Macy's is super easy if you have a good balloon handling crew. But if you have shitty guests it sucks.
Two days until my sleepover. I'm excited!!! I have a lot of cleaning to do though. I cleaned the other day but of course it is already trashed with none of my things. Figures. So I get off at 3:30 tomorrow so I can clean then. I also find out if I have the sunday before x-mas off. I better because i requested that off months ago. In fact I requested off the saturday before hand too but they still scheduled me. Uh. So If I'm not off that Sunday I am going to be fucking pissed. Let me tell you. I was hoping to go in on that Friday night and be there for a couple of days so that I can see kelly and stuff but now I don't know if i will have time. Lame! |
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| bored |
[Dec. 5th, 2007|02:01 pm] |
Uh even though I didn't attend the 2nd training they still hard scheduled me for macy's. Uh! Now I am working like 15 days in a fucking row. And I can't go to sea world cuz I was dumb adn forgot about it and signed up for the 11th. Gay. I don't want to do the parade at all anymore.
Oh well. Sigh. I don't have any cigarettes!!!!! I'm going crazy. I wish it was thursday and not wednesday because then I would be working tomorrow. But then again I suppose I should treasure my last days off before x-mas. But I'm so bored. I have no money, barely any food, I've watched every movie in this house.
I'm going to go clean. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2007|11:33 am] |
Uh I am so sick of waking up early. Ever since I got back from Tampa I have been on a weird sleeping schedule. Or at least strange for me. I'll wake up really early for work or whatever. Anywhere between like 6:30am-8:30am. Then I'll go to sleep by like 10pm. That's sad. But when you aren't getting messed up you have no reason to be awake. PLus I have been really tired.
So this morning I slept in until like 10:30!! Lool. So I had parade training last night. And no one said that we had to have closed toe shoes. They didn't even put it on the flyer. So I didn't know. So I was a float escort instead of a balloon handler. It was so funny cuz three of us (this girl julie i know and this guy ron) were told to go catch up with our floats cuz they were already in route. So we were like whatever, okay. So we did and walked it three times. Then we get back and this guy Will and other ET people who were also escorts were just sitting around. We weren't supposed to actually walk with the floats that time. Lame. So we ended up having to do it two more times. It was fun though cuz we just fucked around. The music is so gay!! And Cliff is dancing in the parade. He's a Candy Clown and has to wear this ugly costume. Poor him.
I have it again tonight but I don't want to go. I am thinking about calling out. Mostly because I would be working 15 days straight. And that is not happening. And I can only work it on my days off cuz it is from 3-7. And it's only four hours a shift and I'm already getting like 40 hours a week at ET now. And then there should be more OT approved shifts to pick up once we are open to like 10pm. So I'll probably call out. I have the points to do so.
But that means I have to find something to do today. So I'll probably clean house.
Less than two weeks until my sleepover. I think almost everyone I invited is coming! Yay!
So I got depressed last night for like 10 minutes. Then I was able to pull myself out of it. It was weird. I just told myself that that shit doesn't matter anymore. I'm so much better off where I am now. I like this. I like being able to pull myself out of it. It was a great feeling. I have been sooooo happy the past two weeks. I can't even tell you. Like truly happy. I feel normal like before I was ever depressed. And I'm not even taking any meds. I missed my psych visit. But I don't care cuz I don't want the meds, they make things worse. Things are good for me. Or rather, I'm making the best out of everything. I haven't been able to that in years. I can't change the past. Fuck I can't forget it either.
But I know that I'm me and if people don't like me for me than I don't want them in my life. I have come to realize that I make friends easily when I'm not depressed. People at work love me. I have never really fit in anywhere my whole life. Even with my family. I am the odd one out. But I feel like I have truly found where I am supposed to be. And it's where I'm at right now. |
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| i'm not fucking around anymore |
[Nov. 29th, 2007|05:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | welcome home | ] |
Uh! I fucking hate Universal sometimes. Two weeks from now I only have 27 hours! Like what the fuck. Seriously Jason needs to get off his ass and print off the full time papers for me. He's never even at the attraction when he is on property. Whatever.
I only made like $100 on this pay check. Uh! And I was supposed to give Jimmy like $180. Yeah right. I can give him 50 cuz I am working five days this week cuz of parade training. Well I suppose I will be workign the parade so that will give me extra hours that week. Actually i will probably be swamped with hours once I go to the training and sign up for shifts. So that won't be so bad. I am just so sick of having three fucking days off a week. I can't deal with so much time off. You know. I need as many working days as possible. It keeps my mind off things and helps me to be happy and not depressed.
Seriosuly, I have done so good this week. I havent even smoked in a week. How crazy is that!! I haven't bought weed in about a month now. Since my b-day. Yay me. We didn't even end up doing anything crazy for the park the other day either. It would have been more fun but what can you do.
But I know that next time I crack will be the last. I'm not fucking around anymore. If I am going to try again it will be the last time because I refuse to fucking fail again. It's just a matter of having the money to buy the supplies. And I'm not going to let Jimmy get me down when he finds out I can only give him $50. And I will tell him too. Because if he even gets me a little depressed that's the fucking end.
In other news my printer is out of ink so I couldn't print my invitations to the PJ party for work. So I did them by hand and bought some cute 99 cent stickers to put on them. They look good. I can't wait! |
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coolbritts's journal
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